(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs
'''"(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs" '''is a song from the musical play ''Hairspray ''and it's 2007 movie and 2016 live television adaptations. It's the introductory number for the main antagonist Velma Von Tussle and her daughter Amber. Performers Lyrics Original = brought my own 45's, so if you wanna put them on, I’ll show you my stuff! you shown us enough? Oh, my God, how times have changed! This girl's either blind or completely deranged Oh, but time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs Childhood dreams for me were cracked When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin’ act! But the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance! 'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze! While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! Proceed Are you scared we're on live? No, I'm sure I can cope Well, this show isn't broadcast in- CinemaScope! I never drank one chocolate malt- No No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs How many sweaters do you own? Well, I'm sure, I’ve got plenty Let me see, I have three, five No, wait, I have twenty! I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs! A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny They all fought rock-dead, but left tonnes of money So I bought this station So all of our nation could see Amber, and me! Do you dance like you dress? Amber, there's no need to be cruel Would you swim in an integrated pool? sure would! I’m all for integration. It's the new frontier! in Baltimore, it isn't And may I be frank? First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it! And so, my dear, so short and stout You’ll never be in- So we're kicking you out! You can't get past me kid, but it isn't your fault It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha haaa! you may go thank you? Tracy, that went well! may I please audition? but you can bow and exalt 'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs! Crabs, crabs! Crabs! |-|Flim = step, cha-cha-cha Backstep, cha-cha-cha Sidestep, front step Back, and turn pOh my God, Penny, there's Link. Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning!] can't believe I'm really here watching you audition! step, cha-cha-cha Backstep, cha-cha-cha Sidestep, front step Back, and tu- Amber, look at this motley crew! Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss- Mother, not more ancient history! Oh, my God, how times have changed! These girls must be blind or completely deranged But time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs That move is far too dirty! wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930 You can laugh, but life's a test Don't do this, don't do that! Remember Mother knows best For the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs steps are perfect ammunition me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition. Girls, go get 'em. Boys, let's rumba. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance! put me down. Oh, good morning ladies. Let's see what you got Twist, twist, twist, twist. Mashed potato, mambo Begin On my show, you'll never find A thrusting hip or bumping grind that? A dance for fleas and ticks? you should have seen my bag of tricks! Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze! While belting Aida and preparing souffles! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! Proceed Are you scared we're on live? I'm sure I can cope Well, this show isn't broadcast in- Cinemascope! I never drank one chocolate malt- No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs Do you dance like you dress? Amber, there's no need to be cruel. Would you swim in an integrated pool? TRACY sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier! in Baltimore, it isn't And may I be frank? First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out! With your form and your face, oh, but it isn't your fault You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs! you may go thank you? think they secretly liked you! I please audition? ha ha, of course not! But you may bow and exalt Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs! Crabs, crabs, crabs! Other Appearances *The musical's version was featured in its soundtrack. *The film's version was featured in its official soundtrack. *The Live's version was featured in its soundtrack. Gallery Images Musical Jault.jpg Efault (1).jpg Efault.jpg Film Hqde (1).jpg 61TcxX8BtqL.jpg Lt (2).jpg Hqault.jpg 01b706199891275c6b5efa110d9f3f64.jpg Live Hairspraylive1 publicity - h 2016.jpg U.jpg 06-Kristin-Chenoweth-hairspray-live-performance-2016-billboard-press-1548.jpg Videos The Legend of Miss Baltimore Crabs|Musical Hairspray Miss Baltimore crabs (HQ)|Film Hairspray Live! Cast - (The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs (Lyrics)|Live Miss Baltimore Crabs - Hairspray National Tour 2010 Category:Theatrical Songs Category:Movie Songs Category:Live Action Songs Category:Television Songs Category:Group Numbers